A big fat bah for all humbugs

I noticed a festive meme at Laurie Powers that's been designed to get you in the Xmas mood, and so I thought I'd have a go. Please feel free to use the questions for your own blogs.


1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate?
I'm not sure what Egg Nog is, but if it's like Advocaat, then it makes me want to throw up. Hate hot chocolate. Chocolate should be cold and solid, not hot and foaming.

2. Does Santa (meaning you) wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?
I'm a bloke. We are genetically programmed to be incapable of wrapping anything. Either way, I don't have a tree, or presents for that matter.

3. Coloured lights on tree/house or white?
Don't have Xmas lights. Hate Xmas lights. Hate seeing Xmas lights on the outside of houses and trees. Hate lights outside houses. Period. Dark is good because then you see the real pretty lights: the stars and the Milky War. Everything natural is beautiful and everything artificial is ugly, especially when it's coloured and flashes on and off.

4. Do you hang mistletoe?
No, although people who hang mistletoe should be hanged.

5. When do you put your decorations up?
I am pleased to say I have never put decorations up. I am available to tear them down for no charge.

6. What is your favourite holiday dish?
Don't have one. I like beer though.

7. Favourite Holiday memory as a child:
Spending three hours watching the turkey grease congeal while my dad toured the pubs trying to find my gran before she passed out. He failed.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
The day I was forced to spend two hours queuing up in the rain to sit on the knee of some pervy old git with bad breath and a false beard who ignored me and tried to chat up my mum instead. I cried a lot that day.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
Nope. We don’t bother with gifts in our house.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree?
Don't have a Xmas tree.

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it?
Last night we had another inch of snow and it was minus 17C. That's as cold as the freezer and I walked the dog for a mile through the knee-deep snow in the dark when I was the only idiot out there and the only tracks were the ones I'd made yesterday. My beard froze and the hairs in my nostrils clogged up so I had an icicle growing. I've got a numb finger that I'm worried could be frostbite from dragging a frozen log back home to stick on the fire that's been on so much the chimney's clogged up and the house is full of smoke. I've just found out my toilet's overflowing and it's made a ten foot icicle. The shops have no basic food items in them because the A9's cut off and everyone was buying enough stuff for a siege. The gritters don’t come within a mile of my house because the councillor doesn't live in the area and even the four wheel drive owners are struggling, and yet do we get any travel news and sensible weather forecasts on the radio and tv? Heck, we don't. It's all about poor old beleagured Londoners not getting on their holidays because a couple of snowflakes drifted by somewhere to the south of Watford. And for good measure I wrenched my back getting a mince pie out of the packet (honestly!) and so I've spent the last hour lying on the floor groaning and now I'm sitting like a question mark. I hate feckin' Xmas.

12. Can you ice skate?
If falling over and bruising your bum is called skating, then yes.

13. Do you remember your favourite gift?
Never had one. I hate getting gifts. If I want something, I buy it. Although that Tim 'smug git' Minchin dvd sold for good money on eBay and I bought something I did want.

14. What’s the most important thing about the Holidays for you?
Getting some work done.

15. What is your favourite Holiday Dessert?
Hate creamy and sickly desserts. Give me beer. Now.

16. What is your favourite holiday tradition?
Being grumpy.

17. What tops your tree?
Don't have a tree. All the real ones have snow on the top and irritatingly cheerful robins bouncing in them. I hate robins.

18. Which do you prefer giving or receiving?
Neither. I hate wasting money on crap and I hate having to be cheerful about receiving crap from people who probably can’t afford to waste their money on the aforementioned crap.

19. What is your favourite Christmas Song?
Videotape by Radiohead or something a bit more depressing.

20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum?
What the hell is candy cane? It sounds awful, just like Xmas....

Anyhow, Merry Xmas, one and all. Have a good 'un!